


No One's Here to Sleep

by beaniek4



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Feelings, M/M, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, References to Past Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 08:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14766345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beaniek4/pseuds/beaniek4
Summary: The three of them rarely fought each other. They had all been through so much shit together, and knew that there weren’t many people they could truly count on. Fortunately they could trust each each other and be there for one another during tough times. They were all close, tied together through deep bonds that extended beyond the tapes. Even so, Alex’s mood suddenly got sour.





	No One's Here to Sleep

Some people may find the idea of having multiple partners strange. Hell, Alex won’t deny he did for awhile. If someone were to have told him years ago he’d end up in a relationship with not one, but two star basketball players, he would’ve said three things: he’s only into girls, he hates jocks, and he’s definitely monogamous. Never would he have ever thought he’d be one to form emotional bonds with two guys—two jocks—that’d eventually lead to him dating both of them... at the same time. However, in this stage of life, he actually finds that he enjoys how things have played out.

He’s not going to lie. For the longest time, he hated Justin Foley. He was not only responsible for sending that photo of Hannah around, but through the tapes it was revealed he didn’t try hard enough to stop Jessica from being raped. Alex had been upset at him because of the info, however he had to stay “friends” with him and the others to avoid suspicion once the tapes were out. He had to protect himself by staying around the higher-ups. It hadn’t been a good idea, of course.

Apparently before the depositions, Justin had disappeared from school. It had happened after Alex shot himself.

Needless to say, the past few months had been awful for just about everyone. After waking up from his coma, he hadn’t remembered anything about the types, although he was filled in by Tyler and Clay.

And Zach.

Zach, who had been his friend before everything. Zach, who, after Hannah’s death, acted like a complete jerk to everyone, including Alex. He had been kind of an ass before that, but it seemed like the tapes had brought out something new in him. Although, after the big “discussion” they all had, he eventually stopped hiding behind Bryce and the tapes and actually started trying to make things right. He once again became a friend of Alex’s, helping Alex with physical therapy and getting around school. They had grown closer than they had ever been, confiding in each other about things they didn’t tell anyone else.

Then Justin came back, which had shocked everyone. It was even more of a surprise that Clay of all people was helping him, despite their obvious mutual disdain of the other. For a bit, it seemed like Justin was the same asshole he’s always was, but then he actually started cleaning up his act. He actually tried to become a better person, and showed regret for the things he had caused or let happen in the past. It didn’t excuse anything, and it certainly didn’t erase anything either, but it had been a start.

Justin honestly seemed like he was getting better, which is why it had been awful when Alex had come over to Clay’s and saw that he had OD’d. Alex had pushed himself past his limits to save the damn guy, actually scared of what would happen if he were to fail. It worked out in the end thankfully, and he and Justin even talked afterwards. Like friends. Like they did when Alex was first brought into the group last year, before all the tapes happened.

Maybe that’s why he defended him against Clay’s outrage. Maybe that’s why he made amends with him when they and all the others were waiting for Jessica.

A lot of shit had gone down a month later. Justin came back from his sentence, and the Spring Fling was coming up. Alex had planned on going with Jessica—he used to picture himself going to several dances with her—but when Zach was teaching him how to dance, something he didn’t quite understand clicked in his head and he had found himself kissing the other boy. He felt terrible about it, but Jessica said she understood. Again, things worked out in his favor. He and Zach had a great time that night, Zach being very careful and sweet with him as they danced together. It had been wonderful honestly. It had been a long time since he had felt so free.

The next couple of months had been a blur. Summer rolled around. Alex and Zach found themselves keeping in touch with several of the others. There were many times throughout the summer that they all hung out together, coming to terms with everything, finding themselves, becoming stronger.

Most of the time it was the two of them plus Jessica, Justin, Sheri, Ryan, Courtney, and even Clay and Tony sometimes. It differed just an every time. Justin had been there each time though. He had become a constant in Alex’s life. Eventually it came to the point where only him, Alex, and Zach would hang out together several times a week. Alex found himself once again seeing the reasons he had enjoyed Justin’s presence like he had last year. This time however he was less of an asshole, which made him even more fun to hang with. Of course, they’d still trade playful insults and sarcastic remarks with each other, but things had definitely gotten better.

Until Alex kissed him when they were both drunk at Zach’s house.

In front of Zach.

He had felt so guilty and tried to laugh it off as him being drunk off his ass—which had been slightly true—but suddenly Justin was capturing his lips in a heavy kiss that lasted what seemed like minutes. Then Zach had scooted closer to him on the couch, leaving kisses on his neck. It was easy for the two of them to have access to Alex, since he was seated between them. The night had ended with all of them passing out, Alex collapsed on Zach’s chest with Justin’s head buried in Alex’s stomach.

Alex was thinking the morning after would be awkward, or at least brushed off as a mistake. It’s not that he necessarily regretted kissing Justin, or that he didn’t like Justin making out with him. In fact, it was quite the opposite, yet Alex still felt really bad about it. To his surprise, Zach wasn’t upset with him, and Justin even acted like nothing happened. It seemed like it truly was brushed off as drunken shenanigans. That is, until Justin kisses him goodbye one night when the three of them are all sober. Zach cracked some kind of joke along the lines of “What? No smooches for me?” and all Justin did was shake his head, laughing and patting Zach on the back, before walking away.

Zach had thankfully noticed his confusion and the next day the three of them talked it over. So now he’s dating Zach... and Justin? Although it seems like Zach and Justin aren’t together too. It’s just Alex that connects the three of them. He tries not to feel special because of that.

It took them until near the end of summer to tell the others. When it was done, it was when they were hanging with most of the group. Zach had an arm around Alex’s waist almost the entire evening. Then Justin had put an arm over Alex’s shoulder and said, “By the way, I’m dating Alex too” before giving Alex a quick peck on the cheek and slithering away to grab another beer.

It’s only the second week into the new school year. When it had just been Alex and Zach, the relationship wasn’t very public. There was the time, of course, that they went to the Spring Fling dance together, but other than that and a few quick kisses in the halls between classes, they weren’t very out there about it. Alex at first had felt that it’d be the same with Justin. Part of him—the darker parts of his mind—even thought Justin would actually ignore him in the halls, or maybe only indulge in small talk when others were around to keep people from getting suspicious. He was surprised when Justin would greet him at his locker and talk to him while giving small touches here and there to his arm and neck. They were simple gestures, things other people wouldn’t really notice, however Alex knows it’s Justin’s way of showing interest without drawing unwanted attention. The three of them aren’t ashamed of their relationship, but Alex and Justin are already targets of people’s stares and whispers, and none of them want to add onto that. There are times though when Justin would get bold and pull him into a deep kiss that momentarily steals his breath away.

Right now the three of them were chilling at Zach’s place. Both his mom and sister were away somewhere for the night, so they hogged up the couch in the living room and put on some television show that none of them cared about. They were talking and joking around for awhile before it turned serious. There were times when they all just needed to vent about any shit happening in their lives. Alex sort of thought of it as Monet’s FML 2.0. In general, he was awful when it came to appropriately talking about his feelings. Justin even more so. Zach is the one who usually guided them into these group discussions. He once said something along the lines of “It’s healthier to talk instead of bottling shit up”.

Tonight Justin’s talking about having seen Seth while leaving school. Apparently the man was pissed about Justin having stolen money from him the last time he stayed at his mom’s place. The three of them express their mutual disdain for the man, despite two of them never having met the guy. Although they both know enough about how he treated Justin to harbor feelings of hatred towards him.

Zach talks about his mom, how she’s still refusing to accept that Zach has issues with depression. She won’t discuss the death of Zach’s father either. Zach says he and his sister mostly keep together when they’re both at the house. He explains that he wants to protect her, that he’s worried about her entering middle and high school. He doesn’t want her—or anyone, for that matter—to be subjected to the awful shit that lots of girls at their school go through. Justin agrees, obviously apologetic for his role in the school’s toxic atmosphere. While it seems like things have calmed down since Bryce and Monty had gone away, there were still things that needed to be fixed, things that needed to change, and they all knew that.

After talking about those things for a few more minutes, their attention turns to Alex, who has stayed silent throughout most of the serious discussions, only giving input when he felt it had been necessary. When he realizes they’re waiting for him to open up about something, he shuts down, not enjoying how he’s suddenly being put in the spotlight.

“The fuck do you want me to stay?” It comes out harsher than he intended, and he winces at his own tone. The others seem taken aback, not having expected such a reaction. They’ve only had 2 other times like this, and both times Alex had been reluctant to share anything. Justin had started out worse than him the first time it happened, but by the second he didn’t mind venting his frustrations and worries to the other two. It‘s only Alex who continues to avoid his innermost feelings, not wanting to speak aloud about them, and most certainly not wanting to deal with them.

“Come on, Alex, don’t be such a dick,” Justin says with a wave of his hand. He had snuck in a bottle of alcohol and was now taking a long sip from it. “If I have to talk about feelings and shit, so do you. Don’t think you get special treatment.”

The three of them rarely fought each other. They had all been through so much shit together, and knew that there weren’t many people they could truly count on. Fortunately they could trust each each other and be there for one another during tough times. They were all close, tied together through deep bonds that extended beyond the tapes. Even so, Alex’s mood suddenly got sour. He didn’t understand why he felt so angry. Yes, he had been annoyed during the other two times, but he’d never felt the need to be hostile. For some reason, despite having felt fine earlier in the night, his temper overcame him.

“How about you fuck off and stop acting like you give a shit.” Alex stumbles up and off the couch, not even bothering to use his cane to hold himself steady. He turns around to properly face Justin, and, before he can stop himself, he says, “I bet you’ll run away and ditch me when you realize I’m not worth it. Hell, I’m probably on my way to being your new Jessica.”

He wants to stop. He doesn’t want to say these things. He knows they aren’t true, but it’s too late to take them back. He sees Justin’s eyes narrow and takes a step back when Justin stands up as well, anger written in his features. Alex swallows dryly, suddenly feeling nervous. Zach follows, putting a hand on Justin’s shoulder and looking over at Alex. “Guys, stop. Let’s just talk about this.”

Justin shakes Zach’s hand off of him and glares at Alex. “Oh we’ll be talking alright. C’mon, Alex, tell me everything you’re thinking. I’d be happy to hear how you truly feel. Hell, if it’s a fight you’re looking for, we’ll do it. Then again, I doubt you’ll be able to do much like that.”

The words hit Alex hard, harder than he’d like to admit. Justin has never said anything cruel to him when it came to the aftereffects of his suicide attempt. When they started getting along once again, he’d shoot glares at anyone who looked at Alex funny or mocked him.

Memories play out in his mind. He remembers himself holding the gun to his head. He remembers the pictures Tyler had taken of him when he had still been in a coma.

He can’t see clearly. His vision is blurry and his cheeks are wet, tears falling off his face and to the floor. Vaguely, he feels his hands shaking. It’s hard for him to get air into his lungs properly, and suddenly he’s on the floor, covering his mouth with his hands as he desperately tries to breathe. There are two pairs of hands on his body, hands that used to comfort him but now burn his skin. He tries to push them away, get them off of him, but he feels himself weakening and getting dizzy as he struggles for air.

He’s sad. He’s angry. He wants to scream or throw something. All he can do though is hope that he’ll be able to breathe regularly if—once—he passes out.

But then one of his hands is being pressed against a hard chest, and someone’s telling him to breathe along with them. He tries to focus on the way the chest rises and falls under his palm and then mimic that with his own lungs. He realizes it’s actually helping when he no longer feels like he’s about to go unconscious. There are still fat tears rolling down his face, but he can now see what’s happening around him. It’s Zach who’s doing the breathing exercise with him. Justin... Justin is right next to him, rubbing his back and looking at him with eyes full of guilt. A few minutes later, he feels much better, although his strength has left him.

“I’m sorry, Alex, I’m so sorry. That was out of line. I didn’t mean it. I was just being a prick.” Justin’s voice is trembling. Alex can hear the sincerity in those words, and he rests a hand on the other’s shoulder. Still, he can’t help the dark thoughts still circling in his head.

“But it’s true, isn’t it? I’m broken. I’m—“

“Alex, no you’re not,” Zach cuts in harshly. “You have problems, yeah, but you’re not broken. You’re so strong, Alex, stronger than you think.” Alex meets Zach’s eyes and he can tell that Zach truly means what he says. He appreciates it, he really does, but his inner demons will always be there, even if they’re slowly fading for the moment.

“Is that something you’re still afraid of? That you’ll never be the way you used to be?” Zach asks. Alex barely registers that he nods in response.

Ever since he’s gotten back on his feet, he’s found that doing every day things are difficult now. Not only is it hard to walk properly, his grip isn’t always reliable and he gets spasms sometimes. For awhile, it seemed like he couldn’t even get an erection. Everyone acts like, in time, he’ll be back to the way he was before, but he knows that’s just wishful thinking. That’s just people not wanting to accept the harsh reality that he’s not going to be who he once was. He worries that everyone will be disappointed in him if he can’t return to “normal”. It hurts him thinking about that.

“Alex, please talk to us,” Zach says softly.

The dam breaks.

—

After about an hour of venting out his frustrations and worries—and listening to Justin apologize—Alex finds himself once again sandwiched between the other two, who make sure to press as closely to him as they can, offering comfort through the contact. Zach has his arm splayed across the backend of the couch behind Alex’s shoulders, his other hand stretched to lay atop of Alex’s knee. Meanwhile, Justin has one of his ankles overtop one of Alex’s while his arm is actually behind Alex, hand resting on Alex’s lower back. It was silent save for the TV that was still on.

“Do you guys think things are going to be okay? Not just with me, but all of us.”

Zach and Justin seem to contemplate the question for a minute.

“Definitely. We’ve made it this far, right?” Justin replies.

Zach smiles, agreeing. “Yeah, Alex, we’re all going to be alright.”

Alex finds himself grinning as well.


End file.
